


Weezl's Words of Wisdumb

by WeezlBot



Category: Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard - Rick Riordan, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Crack, Dirty Jokes, Gen, Sex Talk, Swearing, This Is STUPID, mentions of Reyna's thicc behind, nsfw talk, so stupid it's not funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:32:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24620887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeezlBot/pseuds/WeezlBot
Summary: This will be a (probably short) collection of stupid, mostly PJO-related, oneliners I think of. I don't know how exactly this will work, but some of these were pretty quality, so I wanted to share. These will be bits of usually humorous dialogue that I think of. I will provide warnings before anything that's not humorous.This will be in mixed script and dialogue format. Read if you enjoy stupidity and dirty jokes.
Relationships: Annabeth Chase/Percy Jackson, Katie Gardner/Travis Stoll, Nico di Angelo/Jason Grace/Will Solace, Nico di Angelo/Will Solace
Comments: 14
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

Lou: “Wow, Praetor, I had somehow come to the conclusion that you needed love to be happy.”

Reyna: “Of course not. I am a bigger woman than that.”

Lou: “Is that metaphorical, or are we talking about your ass again?”

* * *

Leo: So... Percy.

Percy: What?

Leo: Since we're running after Annabeth and all…

Percy: Yes?

Leo: Does that make this an…

Percy: Leo. Shut up.

Leo:... Annabeth Chase?

* * *

Cecil (to Nico): Dude, your smile looks like someone made a cut in an endlessly rotating wheel of cheese. The only difference is that the cheese smiles wider.”

* * *

“WE DID NOT COME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE TO DISCUSS PIPER MCLEAN’S DADDY ISSUES!”

* * *

Lou (to Nico): If this is a kink thing, I want no part of it.”

* * *

Cecil: So, Nico is a little strange…

Lou: Eh, he's not that bad, but okay.

Cecil: And he's gay, right?

Lou: Well… yeah…

Cecil: So wouldn't that make him  _ strange fr- _

Lou: Cecil. Shut up.

Cecil: But what gave you the indication that my next sentence would be bad?

Lou: Only every other time you open your mouth.

* * *

“Your Voice Recognition Software Accepts Instructions in Both Shy Guy and Pig Latin, But Not Any Language Taught in Schools”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had some more material, so I'm doing another one of these. Why not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I were funny lol

Percy: Grover, my dude, I know you're really into the “Lord of the Wilderness” thing, but you have to continue with your personal hygiene.

* * *

Will: “Wait… Nico. You mean you've  _ killed  _ people before?”

Nico: “Y-uh…”

Percy: “Who hasn't?”

Annabeth: “Percy, that is probably the least appropriate reaction you could have at this moment.”

* * *

Annabeth (to Piper): “As your best friend, I'm gonna have to tell you that those are the most ridiculous, overblown underwear I have ever seen on someone who is not a prostitute or a porn star.”

* * *

“No one ever told you to train that ferret into a war machine.”

* * *

“But what if monsters attack us?”

“Well, they'd have to go through me to get to you, so I'd be your meat shield. A meat shield that is actively boning you.”

* * *

(Inspired by a sandwich ad)

Cecil: Ya know, I don't think Will actually wants to  _ eat  _ that Italian sausage sandwich, I think he just kind of wants to  _ stroke _ it…

Lou: *giggling* Yeah, or mayhaps he wants to provide his own buns and _make_ _one…_

Cecil: *barely holding on to laughter* Yeah, I think he only wants the… *snickers* only wants the  _ sausage  _ part of the  _ spicy Italian footlong _ … he can provide his own buns… *falls out of chair*

Will: Guys…

Lou: Mmmm, I… *gasps for air in between guffaws* I think he looks pretty hungry… or shall I say thirsty… do you want a  _ banana smoothie?  _ Or maybe that new British dish,  _ Dick in the Hole? * _ cracks up laughing*

Will: Guys, if you don't stop, I'm gonna give YOU a permanent sex change *pointing to Cecil* and reverse some gender stereotypes by making YOU *pointing to Lou* a knuckle sandwich. Seriously, shut up.

Nico: Is there something that I don't get here? 

Will: No.

* * *

“STOP PLAYING WITH THE SACRED FOOD!”

* * *

Nico: “Why am I not trusted with money anymore?”

Will: “Because last time I gave you our bank account number, you spent $1,800, half of which was on pirate movie rentals, a quarter of which was blown on online slot machines and the other part was used to ship something, I still don't know what it is, to a cemetery in Tijuana. That's why.”

* * *

Cecil (with very bad acne): “Will, what's wrong with my face? Am I gonna die? Acne’s never this bad, I must be about to die!”

Will (not believing how dumb his best friend is) (sarcastically): “You have herpes of the face. You have an hour to live.”

* * *

Will: “Come on, there has to be  _ something _ good you two can say about each other.”

Nico: “... I no longer feel the urge to kill you.” 

Percy: “I'd be sad if you died.”

* * *

"He's a god. He could make a dick grow out of your forehead if he wanted to. Get used to it."

* * *

“Not to be judgemental, but why is there a hand sticking out of your torso?”

* * *

“No one’s trying to take your funnel, Markowitz.”

* * *

(Lou Ellen, Cecil, Jason, Will, Nico, and Percy are hanging out)

Percy: “I wonder how many people get fingers stuck in their butts.”

Will: “Not many, actually. A finger can be pulled out easy.”

Percy: “What are you, the resident expert on things being stuck inside butts?”

Others: (Start giggling, Lou falls out of a chair.)

Will: (blushes, then pulls it together and gives a “Well, duh” look)

Nico: (shadow travels to China)

* * *

Lou: “You know, I always anticipated that the guy Will would fall in love with would be an older guy, a real gentleman at that. Instead, he chose and we got a short, angry, goth Italian time traveler who exhibits severe PTSD and openly critiques all of our furniture and wardrobe choices.”

* * *

(The 4 Musketeers (Lou Ellen, Cecil, Will and Nico) are camping or on a quest or something and as such, they’re in sleeping bags)

Will: What do humans look like to animals? I mean, we’re furless, featherless, we don’t have scales or tails or fins or wings, and we walk on two legs. We must look like freaks to animals. What do you think we look like to animals right now?  
Nico: Considering that the only non-monstrous animals around for a thousand miles right now are bears, I’d say we look a damn lot like burritos.

* * *

“Isn't there any LEGAL way we could obtain a mannequin?”

* * *

“So, it turns out that you can’t, in fact, build a regulation billboard on your property.”

* * *

“Okay, you are NOT invited to my vampire sex cult!”

* * *

“I don’t want to have sex with you, I just want you to crush my head with your thighs while I masturbate furiously.”

“... Congrats, you just somehow made a weird thing even weirder.”

* * *

Reyna: Jason’s dick is like the screw I pulled from my old futon this morning: loose and tiny.

Will, Nico, Leo, Percy, Piper, and a brick (at the same time): Well, you got one of those right.

* * *

“No one has a nine-inch-long penis, especially not Sonic the Hedgehog.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I actually wrote a Jason x Brick smut fic about three or four years ago, but I never posted it. Idk if I should or not. It's /really/ stupid.


	3. Another Fucking Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, still on my bullshit

Clarisse’s note to Ellis and Sherman before she left for Arizona for college

_ Dear Idiots, _

_ I’m leaving now. For Arizona. Don’t burn the cabin down. Put new barbed wire around it every two weeks at least so it doesn’t get too rusty. Don’t touch my stuff or I’ll make you regret it. Sherman’s in charge, unless he’s dead by the time you find this, in which case, Ellis is in charge. If you two have killed each other, whoever’s next claimed is in charge.  _

_ Stabs and misses, _

_ Clarisse _

* * *

***** Leo, actively pissing into a milk jug while eating a burrito with his one free hand*: What? You’re looking at me like I asked you to hold my dick or something.”

* * *

“He noticed that he was wearing a swim team hoodie.  _ You fucking cheater, _ he thought fondly.”

* * *

*Travis and Katie are hugging*

“Why are you so stiff?”

“I… I’m sorry. This is… I haven’t been hugged by a woman in years.”

“Are you seriously that much of a virgin?”

“I’m not a virgin.”

“That’s even more concerning.”

* * *

“Really? I thought firing was when you pulled the fire alarm in a mall or something and stole as much shit as humanly possible while everyone was fleeing before security dragged you out of the building.”

* * *

Cecil: "Can I try on your trenchcoat?" 

Nico: "Sure." 

Cecil: "How do I look?"

Nico: "Like a walking coffin. Boxy."

Will: "Like 1943 era Mafia enforcer Baby PeePee."

Lou Ellen: "Like a brunette Eric Harris."

Cecil: "TOO FAR.”

* * *

“Look, I know you want to be his jockey shorts, but you have to stop staring at him like this. He’s in a hospital bed. It’s creepy.”

* * *

“Jeez, she really did a number on you. Well, at least it wasn't anything like what that obese Walmart chick did when we tried to rob  _ her.” _

* * *

**(This was originally from “The Whumping of Percy Jackson,” but it didn’t fit in, so I put it here.)**

“Where did you get the stuff for the bed?”

“Why do you care?”

“Just curious.”

“Okay. They’re Percy’s from when he lived with his mom. The couch was secondhand. Craigslist.”

“Yeah, that’s where Nico and I got the frame for our bed. Mattress was new, just because I don’t trust the secondhand ones.”

“Yeah. This is Percy’s old mattress,” Annabeth admitted. 

“Right. Because even if it is covered in semen, at least it’s the semen of someone you care about,” Will commented.

Annabeth smacked him and giggled. “Shut up.”

* * *

“You know. I was really thinking about… about myself, and the kind of people I like, and I realized…”

“... that you don’t really want a girlfriend, you want Travis but female and not biologically related to you?”

“Wha… oh, fuck you. Fuck you.”

*fight ensues*

* * *

“I WILL PROSTITUTE MYSELF FOR YOU, MY LORD!”

* * *

Lou: *smashes vodka bottle on table* HERA’S A GILF

* * *

“I thought you had shoved a cucumber down your pants, to be honest.”

* * *

“YOU ARE AN ID ON ROLLER SKATES!”


	4. Why am I bringing this back?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I'm bringing this back, but it made a few people laugh in the past, so... *shrugs*

*Jason chokes on cereal*

Will: What's wrong?

Jason: I… just remembered that I have a girlfriend…

Will (or anyone, really): Who probably isn't too happy that you spent the night with two very drunk gay guys without telling her.

Jason: Shiiit, what  _ am _ I going to tell her?

Nico: ... Like father like son?

* * *

"And which one of your mother’s orifices did _you_ come out of?"

* * *

"Don't freak. I'm not actually a tree."

* * *

“The end of your life usually occurs around the time you realize that you’ve fucked your best friend.”

* * *

“Wow. A literal murderboner. That’s rare. And gross.”

* * *

“I’m like Chuck E. Cheese, except if you touch me, I’ll fucking shank you!”

* * *

"I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and SHIT a more coherent argument than that one."

* * *

(Speaking: Hermes) 

“It’s not an Olympian party until Apollo and Dionysus have been grinding on each other for half an hour because they’re both too drunk to realize who the other is, Ares has a hand down Aphrodite’s panties in a corner, Hephaestus is crying on the shoulder of one of the less attractive nymphs, Eris flips the refreshments table and breaks it, Virgin Goddess Squad is drunk and judging people, Poseidon’s blown up a toilet, Demeter is furiously calling Hades because Persephone is drunk and can’t stop crying, Eros has cursed someone, and Zeus has Hera and some underaged nymph in his lap and Ganymede in nothing but a collar and… where was I?”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have very much else for here, so expect another four-month hiatus. Or longer. Could easily be longer.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how many reads this'll get lmao


End file.
